engaged

so he popped the question. (: it was amazing and the feeling is wonderful!

but today... he asked to talk and we did.... and now- he says we argue a lot (for the past 3 days) he says its too much and he wants it to stop. i was listening and he was all like.. what are you thinking.

i wasn't thinking anything- except how much i didnt see it coming. how upset he was.. idk... im confused i guess..

im in a sick twisted place..

and i know its unhealthy but it feels better to be here than to leave...

trust me..

its hard... and ive been crying for 12 hours now... and it wont stop.

*sigh*

life gets a little tricky here and there and this is one of those very very stressful times. mike is out with his mom to pay for the phone bill. opie is next to me asleep and my tummy is bloated. ive been vomiting this morning and  emotional.

i need a get away. i need to have some fresh air with out mike. i love him. but i need some space to breathe. i know it would do us both some good. blahhh. \

andy (from high school- i missed him so much!he was my bestie!) and mike have hit it off really well. andy has been depressed- and so has mike but yesterday they were both so happy(: it was nice to see my boys having fun.

well... today is one of those days. ill check back in with more later.

new year! (:

and im livin with the mikeyyy(: things are getting good! this year we are
- therapy for us BOTH. as well as anger management.
- going to school
- working
- buying a car together (:

im excited for it all ! we have had rough patches so far... but they are being worked on. anger is DEF mike's biggest problem. however he aksed to do anger management as long as he didnt have to go alone. i love him and am GLAD to go.

christmas was good. mike was excited about all the stuff he got and had the BIGGEST smile ever. I had dinner at megans and had fun with her family!

this year is different. im living with mike now, like i said. and we are closer than ever. this whole thing has shown me he IS my forever. through it all.

im so lucky. and happy.

we found our apartment

finally. we move in tomorrow. only problem? ALLLLLLL of our money goes to rent. no food. no nothing. next friday there is another paycheck that comes in... and we can get food then. but not before.... we are going to make this work. one way or another. i swearrrr.

im stressed to the max. my hormones are still wacked out so thats not helping... but idk... idk what we will do. somethign though... lol

this feeling

i talked to megan's mom... she says its normal to be angry at mike.. even though its not his fault.
i keep wondering if its my fault... i mean it is my body.. and i feel like it has forsaken me, betrayed me when it was supposed to work right...

im lost. and very confused.... it hurts. and i cry.

a break

for a WEEK! (: YAY. i get some me time.

its looong over due. i love him- but this clingy shit he does is smothering me to death.. and making me resent him (at times)

i cant stand clingy. i cant stand him trying to be controlling. i cant stand his anger.

yet. he is in full denial.. even after hitting me.

im seriously fed up. hopefully this week will help me.

not only that- i had a miscariage.. i was two and a half months... and its gone.. he's so non-understanding about it...  this gives me time to deal..

i told no one except mike and three bffs i was prego.. they were helping me through it all- and now that i lost it.. they feel like they lost it too.. and then there's mike... being a dick. ( id didnt even tell you cause i know there is someone i know reading these... i was scared to disappoint ppl i know.. and he didnt want family drama over it....

idk i have soooo may questions.. im so confused.. i have all these feelings.. and i cry... i just.. feel so sad now. idk what to do or how im supposed to feel or when its supposed to end...