there is so much in life i need to learn.

there is so much i need to let go....

mathias and i have been talking a lot. its hard, simply because i am not sure if he means all he says.

im scared of getting hurt. im scared of him ripping me apart like last time. im scared dammit!

i love him with all of me.. that i am sure.

but what if he is playing me. idkkkkk.

not sure what to do right now..

i guess i'll see...

school is not going good :( i have messed up.. i need to get back on the ball.

do my work and all i need to do.

she had me from hello..

and now she leaves...

:'(

somethings will never make sense...
       my heart did want to prove to her it wanted her
           i wanted to call her my princess
               i wanted her show her what loev really is...


i wanted..

lonely eyes..

it's hard... at this point in my life i wanna get serious. i wanna get a serious relationship, no more games.. no more drama. im tired of being alone. im tired of being the only...... its hard, i feel like something is wrong with me. sometimes i feel like im a bad person... but i know im not. im fine.

my heart longs for someone... my soul wants to have someone to love.

*i wish i could be held.

crazy from lifeee...

So, i cut off ties to my adoptive parents... that was the best thing to do. my H.S. counsilor has taken over the role (pleased to have given it to her) of being my Mother/advocate. i've been gong through a lot of crap here lately && its not been easy. they were making so much harder on me than it had to be. always being negative and putting me down.

its hard.. cuz they told me that i couln't have contact with my adopted siblings either :'( 
that hurt my heart; but i need support NOT critisim, im already my worst critic.

so the state is FINALLY helping me with putting some money in my account. its just enough that i get to keep my phone :) YAY! && they have a family for me that is willing to help me out.

so some things in my life are starting to come together.. && it feels amazing!! so i'd like to throw a shout to GOD. :) my savior

really...

sometimes i just wanna lay && cry my eyes out.. then never open them again.
im obvoulsy a bad person. im obviously bad for everyone.

i have never once wanted to make someone hurt... nor have i ever wanted to hurt thier feelings...
but im obviously good at it...

fml.

Death isn't a dream...

my nana died the 13th. i left school the 9th. && got to the hospital that mornning at 1am. it was rough. she looked... scary. it hurt cuz she could respond to me. a week b4 her death her last living brother past away. the day of his funeral, she was in the funeral home (and had been for some time), when she a had a massive stroke. - now my nana has delt with lung cancer, brain cancer, strokes, && many other compliactions for all of her life. - but this stroke was the one that took her life. b4 this had happened they had done cancer markeres on her... her cancer markers came back extremely HIGH. ..... 48. we know she had tohave been infected head to toe, considering when she had lung cancer her markers were only 21. - this stroke took my nana away. however, it did bring together our family. it brought together ppl i never knew existed. ppl who look like me! it was amazing to look around && see where all my personality came from.....
though her death was hard. && at the funeral i read aloud a poem i wrote for her... she loved my writtings. so i read it aloud && it felt good. ididn't cry much.... i had to be strong for others.. && only one of my sisters got to come.. the other lives to far away. the one who lived to far away was the one closest to our nana. though we all did love her. its hard being back at school... but i will make it. this; school, is wat nana wanted for me, my future && allthose who will one day walk in my direction. R.I.P. <3

up && leave like the rest...

you left me. no kiss. no explaination. just like that.

i had a rough night. my emotions were so crazy; i had to escape. i drank so much lastnight.

my heart felt sooo amazing. i love him. but im not what he needs; which hurts because i try to be the besteveryone tells me i deserve better...

i love him. he is so special to me. idk what i ever did wrong.  *TEAR*

COLLEGE

wow...

im now in college. i have classes. friends. the best teachers. i love it.
god has worked miracles in my lifee. like forreallll!!!!!
im so blessed. my high school sent me a bunch of stuff. like food, supplies, dorm stuff. im so blessed to have them in my lifeee!!!!!!!!
im so happy. i get to learn more. && i love the fact that i can be what i want to be. i LOVE IT!

thank you GOD.

breath && smile

it all works out how its supposed to.

i keep telling myself to breath deep && smile; its gonna workout.

cuz i know it has to work. it will. [: now its patience. i sit && wait. scary but i know its the rigth thing to do.
im still sad bout my parents my tlking to me; but i guess thats life. i mean, i made mistakes. i admit it. i said some mean shit to them. && i was rebellious. but i want to make amends. obviously they don't. && its sad. cuz i know now i don't have a family. but ya know, its okay. cuz i can make my family. im sad cuz... i want to make it right. i want to with all of me. but its not possible when they don'y wanna tlk. some friends told me to drop it && not try that pah anymore that if they want closure as bad as i they will contact back. && i guess they are right... though im still heartbroken


<3 brii

over me.

sometimes idk what to do..

i txted my parents && facebooked them like i told you... but...
nothing.... && now when september 1st rolls around im going to be homeless.
&& im so sacred. all i do is cry.


something needs to work. im lost.

family.

family.

such a strong word for me. i've alwasy been scared i'd never have one to go home to. to see && tlk to. im scared. cuz what if my worst nightmare came true. && i am always alone. i've alwasy felt family is the MOST important thing in this world. i want to get married && have a child of my own. then adopt if all works how i want. but rigth now. im scared cuz i don't have anyone. i don't have someone to look at and tlk to. && its my fault && i regret it ALL. && let me tell you. i have never regreted anything.

i want my family back. i want to have that agian. its's so true. you don't know what you got til its gone... .. .

im alone. scared. && hungry for love.

love. not reality

love is everything you make it. love comes from who you want to feel it from. btu most of all... love is complicated. mathias and i are amazing. and i told him today that i may go live with my parents in another state. he, as loving as he is, told me to do as i must. gahhh! i love this man. he is my everything. it's amazing how much he understands im trying to find my life.... im looking for where i belong. i told him, that i know i belong there with them. and he respects that choice. i love him and i know, i will end up marrying this man and having his kids. but for now... im young. im looking and searching for the woman within; its amazing he respects that.

i facebooked my mother this morning at 4am. i was up alll night crying. mathias had fallen asleep so i could not text him. but in my heart, i felt a pull to contact her. i did. im now waiting for a response. you see, im 18 && im homeless. i am currently staying with a former foster parent btu she is leaving september 1st to go visit family. so, i don't have a home. &7 for teh longest now i've been thinking about my family. && i miss them. i also realize how horrible i was as a daughter. thats mainly wat the letter was about. an apology for not being the daughter they deserved. i look back && i see so much i did that hurt them. && im ashamed. they were the only ones in the span of my life who tried. && i did them wrong cuz i didn't realize that they were doing exactly wat i needed them to do. im homeless && its my fault. i drove them away; though i don't expect them to reply... i sure hope they will. i do love them && care so much.

i miss the hugs. && love i felt. i miss feeling safe. i miss being stable && haveing support. but the reason i don't have it is my fault. i chose to leave. i know, whats meat to be will be. && everything thats supposed to happen will. i just hope it happens soon. cuz i feel myself slipping.

the ones i never thought of...

i was thinking a lot today....
&& the i realized that the ppl you expected to be there in your life; the ones you thought would be there forever holding you up. encouraging you && loving you. they are NOT here. its the ones i never expected. the ones i thought were gone forever.

like today, an old foster parent i had 4 years ago took me all over to get my id && paperwork i needed to get my apartment. its crazy.. i never thought she cared. but she does.

im shocked cuz my adopted mom && dad are gone. && the foster parents a expected... they are gone.

&& so i sit here, happy i now know who is what. i love those in my life now. i love them dearly.

i can't wait to get in this apartment with Mathias. its gonna be a place we have where we can get away from all the struggles && stresses. && i know, i know. ive heard it all." thats so bad brii. you don't need to live with him. you'll end up prego." but i know that thats not gonna happen. im taking those steps so that it won't. im an adult now, though i know im not ready... but i am. && i am grown up compared to the 14 year old i once was. i've learned my lessons. && now im moving on. i'll make more mistakes, thats a positive. i just have a faith in myself i can not screw up to much. i have faith i will make my life. i know i can. im strong. i've made it through much much worse.

technology WILL take over.

this world is drastically falling away from comunnication through words. we are losing ourselves to technology. we are becoming dependant on technology everyday of our lives. && yes i know this is technology, blogging that is. but honestly, i mean my brother who was in 4th grade came home with homework that was meant for him to learn how to use a calculator that I used my senior year. im not agianst technology, so don't get me wrong. but i am concerned for future generations. basic things such as math, and spelling.... no one will know, 'cuz of the technology we have. its quite sad.

Boof.

she && i have soo many inside jokes. we have so many memories. she is my little sister. she has grown close to my heart. i'll forever cherish our relationship.

from all the tears i cried. to the screams i made. she was there. sometimes crying with me. others screaming along. she's been there.

she held my hand when i needed a friend. she hooked me up with people i barely knew. yet i knew she loved me. she has always worried bout me before herself. she has an amazing heart. she has so much to offer this world. i can't wait to see it all [:

she has been my smile in the rain. my laughter in the thunder, my warmth in the snow.
i love you girl.

the worst kind of betray

i am sitting here. with never ending tears. someone has tried to tear him apart from me. they want him to leave. though, he jas told me that he won't. he tells me he believes me. && i trust him to not lie to me. he's been hurt, really bad. im not one to do that. he has become my everything. he is the fire in my soul. the shine in myt spirit. he IS the LIFE in my being. mathias is my world. i would do never ending deeds for him; no matter what it is. this man has stolen my heart. he has made me see so much of who i am. he's helped me see so much in people......

but to think i could ose him. its unbearable. he says he won't leave. but im still scared. i feel like this crap that got started... its slowly pulling him. && in all honesty. he is my ONE TRUE LOVE. idk what i would do without him. perhaps, i should let the day go by, and see what all happens.

but i love him. he has my heart, soul, spirit, && being wrapped in his hands.
i'll love him always && forever.....

&& as he would say next; forever till eternity.

Hello

My name is brii. this blog here has been made for me to.. express myself. i don't have trouble with that, for the most part. But i don't get them out the way they should be let out. so i have decided to write.

I've always felt writing is the best way to ecsape. i love writing. i feel that writing is an dedication to the past && an obligation to our future.

about me....

im 18.

you can call me brii.

I have a beautiful boyfriend named mathias* names will be changed.

i was adopted at a very old age.

life has been rough.

i was in the foster care system for about 9 years.

my bio mother took her life AFTER i was taken away. 3 years after, to be exact.

my dream was to become a psychologist for teens in the mental hospitals.

im very outspoken; to hide the real mess inside.

im loud, i love acting. my teacher brought my passion for it into the open.

i love kids. love.love.love.

so as for this blog;

we shall got to know each other through time.