tired of playing this role.

It's that role of, "you're young, you're supposed to be free."

i mean- yeahh, i am happy free and single. though when it comes down to it... im lonely- i have several people im talking to- but none of them are what i truly want and need.

I want someone who can take control of me (in a non-abusive way). i want someone who wants to hold me and love me; someone who will go the distance no games, lies, or hidden agendas. I want someone honest and true- someone willing to settle down for awhile. Someone wanting to be with me..

i feel like i'll never find that one. I know i won't. i believe in love; just not sure i believe in it for myself. i'm not sure if i will ever have someone to hold me when i need it most.. i will never have someone. Sooner or later i need to tell my heart this cause i am tired of hoping and wishing for someone who does not exist for me.

It's sad cause; i KNOW im not a horrible person.. i think.. but it's like.. idk...

im ready.. i just wish my other half could come now.. it's getting cold in this bed.

lets play a game.

when it's over i hope you see the mess you made for yourself.

This whole time- you have been playing cards, i've seen your hand- quite frankly, it sucks- but i will admit, you are one good cheater. You've played the "big cards" only they ended up being anything but a high card. Soon you will have to lay them on the table and everyone will see. only- then your games will be over cause what i failed to mention was that you have been trading people's cards behind their back- you've been taking money out of the pile in the middle. Then the cards hidden behind your knees will show when you stand up, then the red on your hands will get all over the table.

this game is fun, for you at least- and there are a couple of people in the game having a blast right now; but soon their smiles will be washed away as if their lives had just been ripped away.
then the fingers will be pointed right at you-

only then  you're gonna run out of hand wash- and when someone calls you out on the cards, you'll deny it telling a story of how the cat brought it to you and then he made you put them hidden. then when all is done- there will be a few players who want you to stay, only they need you to be a decoy- they need you to hold their cards while they pull your feet out from under you, so the scene they cause will distract people from the red on their hands. You'll always run back to them- thinking they actually play the game how it's supposed to be played.

but by the grace of the table; hopefully you could be spared another hand... this time playing the game how it was meant.

the daddy i never had.

I've never really known my bio father. I want to... i need to. I can imagine then man he would have been to me - unfortunately my crack ass mother wouldn't allow me ANYTHING i deserved. It's days like today- father's day; that i want to know him more than ever.

i want to know his smile, laugh, his insecurities... i need to know that there IS a good part of me. i need to know that i'm not purely made out of a monster...