we found our apartment

finally. we move in tomorrow. only problem? ALLLLLLL of our money goes to rent. no food. no nothing. next friday there is another paycheck that comes in... and we can get food then. but not before.... we are going to make this work. one way or another. i swearrrr.

im stressed to the max. my hormones are still wacked out so thats not helping... but idk... idk what we will do. somethign though... lol

this feeling

i talked to megan's mom... she says its normal to be angry at mike.. even though its not his fault.
i keep wondering if its my fault... i mean it is my body.. and i feel like it has forsaken me, betrayed me when it was supposed to work right...

im lost. and very confused.... it hurts. and i cry.

a break

for a WEEK! (: YAY. i get some me time.

its looong over due. i love him- but this clingy shit he does is smothering me to death.. and making me resent him (at times)

i cant stand clingy. i cant stand him trying to be controlling. i cant stand his anger.

yet. he is in full denial.. even after hitting me.

im seriously fed up. hopefully this week will help me.

not only that- i had a miscariage.. i was two and a half months... and its gone.. he's so non-understanding about it...  this gives me time to deal..

i told no one except mike and three bffs i was prego.. they were helping me through it all- and now that i lost it.. they feel like they lost it too.. and then there's mike... being a dick. ( id didnt even tell you cause i know there is someone i know reading these... i was scared to disappoint ppl i know.. and he didnt want family drama over it....

idk i have soooo may questions.. im so confused.. i have all these feelings.. and i cry... i just.. feel so sad now. idk what to do or how im supposed to feel or when its supposed to end...

rant. nothing about nothing.

Mike, Tara (our freind) and I are getting our first apartment together (: this friday we move in and im so exciteddd!

however- the point of this one today is to vent about shit. lol! well, i decided to talk to mike lastnight (7th time) about needing space- he finally.. after two hours of crying.. understood it wasnt his fault, i just like to have me time and do stuff with the girls.

like- he is so amazing to be around. but i want my space. he's the clingy type. im not at all.
idkkk- we are different, and honestly- its what works, i just need space and its all gooood~

another thing- his god forsaken parents. and gtrandparents. SO LIKE, can i explain to you what the fuck is actually going on?

he comes from upper class.. HIGH upper class. and his parents dissapprove of me. they (ive heard them on the phone with him) say they want better. he'll ask what they mean and they say "we want a girl who has a family and money.. not someone who has no one." and mike goes into this spill about how much he loves me and how amazing i am blah bah blahhh. hah (:

well noooow. they HATE ME. he asks his dad why and he goes " i just do" ... there is never a clear answer. not only that his dad, try to lie on me- then mike demanded to know who said it and he admitted to making up stuff.

not only that- they tried so hard to shelter him from te world and since im here- he sees the independence and what that includes and he is very eager to get there... whith that said i fully realize its not about me.. they just dont want their baby to grow up and live his life- unfortunately i fell in love with him and they are terrified that he wont follow their plan.. (and he's not) its his life. he is old enough to make decisions for himself. he doesnt wear diapers nor does he need his parents to hold his hand.

they are just idiots cause the thing about mike, he WANTS them there for him- but cause he wont listen to every thing they tell him they are trying to hurt him so he will come crawling back.

idk they are stuuupid. mike wants them to accept him. he is in deep desire of the accpetance of me as well. .... i guess im so used to not having it- i dont search anymore.... hmm..

all im saying is- WHERE are the ADULTS in this fucking world?! im sick of the petty bullshit.

also his mom is starting to get to the petty level. and im sick of them all.

either way. everyone needs to clean their act UP.

Two way street?

its like- im angry. im hurt. and confused.

ive written on your facebook wall- ive commented on your stuff.. ive written you messages... and i get shit back. NOTHING... so tell me. what fucking HINT does that give me? [not to talk to you]

i want you to be my fucking family. ive CALLED YOUR PHONE for god's sake.... never an answer! so what do i do? leave?

idk that ill ever fully give up.. but i am tired of trying.
it seems like there are times youll try but then stop.. and it sucks. cause the ONE thing i want the most is to be a family..

i guess sometimes we dont get what our heart desires most.

so i guess its fuck it all.... untill tomorrow.. where ill try again.

date night

and we're off!
to yet again, another night full of laughter and smiles; kisses and deep hugs.

lets get it started shall we?

it began with tears; and an argument. we both ended up crying and then we laughed- it was a much needed cry.. a cleansing cry; a TWO HOUR cleanings cry... but, none the less- needed. it was the most open we have been with each other- it was sweet more than hurtful- yet, still an argument.

conclusion: we love each other and will work together to make it all better. i think its a good start to where we are headed in life.

we went to see 'The Big Year' and it was cute, we snuggled during the movie- and picked on each other; just as we always do- only this time, in the middle of it- he looked at me and started crying.. "youre the most beautiful person i have ever seen, met or known, i love you" is all he said.. and i melted (:

after the movie- as we were walking to the car.. he kept walking straight, i, being only me, demanded to know where we were going and all he did was smile and pull me along. -- i love this about him, he can keep my attention without words nor actions... just a smile.

we walked to cornerstone to potty- then to the pier where he grabbed my hand and danced with me. He's been so good at that-- letting go and having fun. (my fav thing to do is dance with him.. so he surprises me every now and again and twirls me in his hands)

we laughed- played tag on the stairs and danced... it was the night for love- and i felt it; fresh, clean, and crisp.

after an hour we left and got in the car- i snuggled up to him as we drove.. listening to his voice singing along to the radio drowning out the world around us.

its nights like these i realize  he is worth it all; good bad and nasty-ugly. (: he is my prince charming.

the beauty in it

good god- we have been at each others throats..

its me- its him, its us. and you know- no matter what we argue about we always make up. most of the time ppl think we are fighting but its just us communicating.

but we have been fighting and its annoying- its over stupid shit too. Idk- its weird cause we both have to be right, and we both want the last word. I've been working on me and he has started working on himself- i feel that we both need patience and the ability to move on.

but the beauty in it all is the fact that we can be open with one another- we can express our feelings without holding back. its the first time i've felt i could do that. I feel safe and happy. i love him with all of me- and that itself is a lot for me to say.... its not the 'oh i love you, youre my bf' its the Im in love- head over heals through the stars and over the moon. I cant wait till we can start our lives together. this is all new to me- this whole working at a relationship- giving and taking... but i love it. i do. i love him and more than anything, its real and its exciting.

ive never felt that i needed anyone- and i still dont... but i want him. i want him through the good- the bad- and the down right nasty, ugly, shit that happens. he is worth everything... including the conservative family that criticizes us- and runs us through the dirt.

three days off

my rocker it feels like...
However Mike has had it rough too-  his family... they are all.. not worth the energy. Great, right? ugh- never ever ever before have i been so hated for my skin color and where i came from... like- i just want to scream and kick and fight and just let lose. they say some of the most hurtful things - about me to mike. It makes me furious and out of control and then.... there i am- not completely shocked- just.. dumbfounded they would be okay with mike being unhappy.

verbally abusive. and mean. its sad and frustrating, just- i wish i could help them see how much he is being hurt by them...

happily ever after and the ring

for two weeks he has been hinting about asking me to marry him.. and tonight… he made me realize how serious he is. I love him so much (: he is the ONE for me. I know God sent him to me- ive been through so much in my life- and i feel that God has given me mike for all the struggle and hard work and taking care of everyone else.
mikey is my soul mate- best friend- lover- prince charming- my happily ever after (:
i love him. Next week he is proposing… im scared. but excited to wear  HIS ring.
call me crazy but this is everything.


If mikey gets me that ring i will feel like SHIT. complete and utter shit... I'd take it dont get me wrong... i LOVED that ring, its my dream ring... i just dont want him spending that kind of money on me.


I love him so much... and he told me tonight he was scared of what his dad will say.. he said he's scared of what his family will say... but he also told me he doesnt care.. he said he's ready for the next move- and honestly, i am too... its scarey as hell- but im so ready. He is the one for me and i know it. he is my sunshine in the abyss. i cant believe im saying this but im ready for our happily ever after(:

point park

is where we ended up. Its an over look of chattanooga city. It was beyond BEAUTIFUL- i LOVE the veiw from up here...

it was perfect- we went to the gazebo and danced under the stars, then went to a wall on point park for a beautiful view.

we talked about life- our future, and our dreams. We became closer tonight; unexpectedly closer. I fall for him harder every moment i am with him... his touch and kiss- his mind and humor... he keeps me on my feet.

I thank God everyday he is mine.

Satan's mistress

well- where do i go with this?
We talked about Getting engaged last night, two weeks ago we went ring shopping.. i found this beautiful ring i want, only its like- seven hundred and i DO NOT want that much money spent on me. idk- i love him, and i am so blessed to have him in my life.

We stayed together last night, again. I love sleeping cuddled next to him, and waking up to his face(: it makes me SO happy, there are no words to describe how happy it makes me!
His dad on the other hand.. makes me wanna scream, like yesterday- he called his friend from (my college) and asked this person to give him all my personal info... GREAT, right? His dad is so dead set on hating me. It's cool though, cause i honestly believe mike is my soul mate- and we are going to get married, and he is gonna have to suck it and take it. Im not giving up the best thing that has ever happened to me cause someone doesn't like it.
he gets mad cause im not white, rich, or with a family. Like he has no fucking idea how ignorant and childish he acts, perhaps he needs to take a step back- before he seriously gets in legal trouble; he's already threatened me before.. im not dealing with his shit- ive told mike and he said i shouldn't have to.

i love him; and this time- i KNOW full hand it's real.. <3 its scary as FUCK.. makes me wanna cry, and laugh at the same time. its a thrill full of dark tunnels and bright lights (: im okay with it. im in love, and i deserve to be happy. im never letting this go!

what is love?

Love is the sweet taste of your lips, the warming of your hugs- the soft touches down my back. Love is the passion i have for us; The gentle yet, deep bond thats been created with our souls. Love is the way you call when im thinking of you, and the words you speak to secure my dreams about life. Love is the sounds of your voice when i wake up and the fire we have to fight for each other. When we argue and fight like cats and dogs- yet STILL in the midst of all the yelling and stabbing words, we both whisper i love you. Love is when i wanna punch you- yet the moment i see your face i melt. love is the deep emotions i have that hurt every inch of my being cause its so powerful. Love is when i cant get enough of you- even iin the bitter moments of complete frustration i could never walk away from the fairy tale we have created. Love is knowing that no matter what, id have your back- whether youre wrong or right. love is putting up with your mood swings and saying sorry when im right. (its hard- but i can do it!!) love is second chances when you mess up BIG time, and hope that we can make it through. Love is putting up with all the shit families have given us. love is knowing my spirit has collided with yours, making beautiful reds and deeps blues- greens that are luscious like the spring, along with oranges, yellows, pink, purples, and all that lie in between. Love is knowing that someone Wants you as much as you want them. Love is more than a mere word, but a life time of all that could never be explained. Love is truly a hard, dirty, nasty, beautiful fairy tale.

Mike calls me singing(:

and i melt inside; each and every time. i s l o w l y turn into melted caramel right where my body touches solid surface..
he is beautful inside and out. I am the LUCKIEST girl ALIVE. yeah- we've had our bad bad days; but its normal. I love him and it's amazing how much so. I never once thought id have someone forever- but he is here and its my own little fairy tale.

we talk about kids and a family (: we have dreams and goals together! this is all so surreal!

nona and papa have been MARRIED since they were 18.... 42 years later they are still head over heels in love. Mike and i will have that. (: i cant wait to have his kids and be his wife. I cant wait to spend forever with him... forever doesnt seem soon enough for me.

He called me his one and only

He has stolen my heart.. so much. He sends me messages about how beautiful and amazing i am. He holds me so close and so tight. He makes me laugh.. I'm falling so soon. it's scary... but i like it.

He is a thrill and a half. he is perfect and he is amazing. It's soon, but i am falling. (: we have been together a week now.. and it's weird. but i HATE not seeing him everyday.. like today he was going to do school wrk and just skype me.. but he came running to me when i told him i missed him.

he is BEAUTIFUL inside and out. he has dreams and goals. He knows what he wants in life and he is crazy about me.. im not being big headed.. but he is. i love how he is so goofy- and he is always wanting to touch me, my arms, hands. hair, anything (:

tonight he took me to a spot on lookout and we watched the sun set.. he told me he loved how opinionated i was. he said he loved how outspoken and responsible i am. he said he loved how we worked... and you know i do too(:

he says all the right things without being hinted at.. he does all the right things to make me melt in his arms..
i find him to be the MOST attractive man alive.. seriously.

<3

it's been awhile..

and you have missed a lot.

His name is Mikey (: and he treats me better than a princess. He does EVERYTHING. he makes me smile, he picks me up when i wanna get away.. he hold me close.. and best of all.. he treats me like i should be treated.

i feel amazing with him.. he tells me how beautiful i am and how much i mean to him... im falling hard. his buddies told me lastnight at the party that he is into me deeply. they told me is had fallen hard, and that they were glad it for me. his freinds are awesome though (: i love them and am so glad we are all like family!

idkkk i care so much about him <3 thins are how they should be (:

three for the price of.. sanity?

So, i ahve two dates today.. TWO. wtf. i mean, when i want one i dont have ANY.. then all of a sudden i have three people asking me out on dates.? i mean.. really -_-

okay first one is Mike (: we meet at bassHead i dubstep club. He is very shy and all- but SUCH a sweet heart. He is, everyday, telling me how beautiful i am- and all. like- he gives me butterflies (: <3333

the second is Sam (: He is ALSO someone i met at basshead. he is older- like 24? he is so CHILL and laid back. this morning, 3 A.M. he surprised me with fresh made cinnamon rolls at my front door <333 tonight, he and i decided to have snuggle night. full of movies and games with his rommamtes.

third is Andy (: we met way back when- he is amazing and ALL. we are having a date saturday.

like-. none of us are officially together, so that leaves me to go out with whom ever i chose. None of us are serious ..yet.
though i feel a little bad. even though i am NOT cheating.

ohh well. movie tonight with mike. then off to hangout with Sam (: <3333

life

tired of playing this role.

It's that role of, "you're young, you're supposed to be free."

i mean- yeahh, i am happy free and single. though when it comes down to it... im lonely- i have several people im talking to- but none of them are what i truly want and need.

I want someone who can take control of me (in a non-abusive way). i want someone who wants to hold me and love me; someone who will go the distance no games, lies, or hidden agendas. I want someone honest and true- someone willing to settle down for awhile. Someone wanting to be with me..

i feel like i'll never find that one. I know i won't. i believe in love; just not sure i believe in it for myself. i'm not sure if i will ever have someone to hold me when i need it most.. i will never have someone. Sooner or later i need to tell my heart this cause i am tired of hoping and wishing for someone who does not exist for me.

It's sad cause; i KNOW im not a horrible person.. i think.. but it's like.. idk...

im ready.. i just wish my other half could come now.. it's getting cold in this bed.

lets play a game.

when it's over i hope you see the mess you made for yourself.

This whole time- you have been playing cards, i've seen your hand- quite frankly, it sucks- but i will admit, you are one good cheater. You've played the "big cards" only they ended up being anything but a high card. Soon you will have to lay them on the table and everyone will see. only- then your games will be over cause what i failed to mention was that you have been trading people's cards behind their back- you've been taking money out of the pile in the middle. Then the cards hidden behind your knees will show when you stand up, then the red on your hands will get all over the table.

this game is fun, for you at least- and there are a couple of people in the game having a blast right now; but soon their smiles will be washed away as if their lives had just been ripped away.
then the fingers will be pointed right at you-

only then  you're gonna run out of hand wash- and when someone calls you out on the cards, you'll deny it telling a story of how the cat brought it to you and then he made you put them hidden. then when all is done- there will be a few players who want you to stay, only they need you to be a decoy- they need you to hold their cards while they pull your feet out from under you, so the scene they cause will distract people from the red on their hands. You'll always run back to them- thinking they actually play the game how it's supposed to be played.

but by the grace of the table; hopefully you could be spared another hand... this time playing the game how it was meant.

the daddy i never had.

I've never really known my bio father. I want to... i need to. I can imagine then man he would have been to me - unfortunately my crack ass mother wouldn't allow me ANYTHING i deserved. It's days like today- father's day; that i want to know him more than ever.

i want to know his smile, laugh, his insecurities... i need to know that there IS a good part of me. i need to know that i'm not purely made out of a monster...

watch this

FCK BULLIES by FCKH8.com: DON'T B H8N ON THE HOMOS! from FCKH8.com on Vimeo.

then life called my name

unfortunately i have not been on here- well its about to change.

life is amazing- and i have finally found myself it in. the story in itself is just way to complicated, and filled with twist that i could never type it in full detail.

over christmas break- there was a lot of healing done; within myself. and i have now found this new piece of safety and comfort around me. I lost all connection with my adoption parents, and all of my decision btw, i forgave my mother and nana, and i let go of all that was holding me in sadness and pain. Also as christmas, my old neighbor, she allowed me to stay at her house and be apart of her family. she bought me things and let me become one of them.. it was beyond amazing and my heart seemed to become complete. she showed me that i can be loved and i will be okay in life, she also showed me how strong i am.

college has become amazing- i lost all the drama starters and have taken my own road. i love all that i have and all that i will gain from life.

i've also started a LGBTQ community vlog on youtube. i am so proud of this channel and i hope we are able to help a lot of people. its a positive, supporting, loving place that scared youth and adults can go and be open about who they are. im really psyched about it. (:

till next time- keep your head high and stay beautiful XOXO

so on my other blog (a more public one) i have this young girl whom has an eeating disorder. i gave her my tough love, and also told her i was here for her.
i feel scared for her.. she posted a pic of herself.. all i saw was a con-caved belly and ribs that i could count without touching her.

it hurts. i want to save her! i want to take away the bad!
it hurts that i can not...

i want to save them all- all the poor helpless souls on there- i want to hold them and love them. i want to save them! i want to show them that the world doesn't have to be only horrible.

xoxo

they call me beautiful..

but i know im not- i just wish i were. i have this other blog- thought its not reall a blog... just another place i feel safe.
on there i have become this idol.. they tell me they all wish they could be like me.. i feel bad.. caus i know in my heart that who they see... well.. its not me. i don't love who i am.. i wish to be someone  different everyday.. but to give them hope.. i pretend i am.

i hate who i am. i cannot love. i can not e happy. i can not be content with who i am. i hate myself. though.. i want to love me.

i cry a lot. deep hard long sobs.
i don't know how to escape this pain.
i don't know how to love, feel emotion,.. anything.

i want to be saved.
i wish to be saved.