love is everything you make it. love comes from who you want to feel it from. btu most of all... love is complicated. mathias and i are amazing. and i told him today that i may go live with my parents in another state. he, as loving as he is, told me to do as i must. gahhh! i love this man. he is my everything. it's amazing how much he understands im trying to find my life.... im looking for where i belong. i told him, that i know i belong there with them. and he respects that choice. i love him and i know, i will end up marrying this man and having his kids. but for now... im young. im looking and searching for the woman within; its amazing he respects that.
i facebooked my mother this morning at 4am. i was up alll night crying. mathias had fallen asleep so i could not text him. but in my heart, i felt a pull to contact her. i did. im now waiting for a response. you see, im 18 && im homeless. i am currently staying with a former foster parent btu she is leaving september 1st to go visit family. so, i don't have a home. &7 for teh longest now i've been thinking about my family. && i miss them. i also realize how horrible i was as a daughter. thats mainly wat the letter was about. an apology for not being the daughter they deserved. i look back && i see so much i did that hurt them. && im ashamed. they were the only ones in the span of my life who tried. && i did them wrong cuz i didn't realize that they were doing exactly wat i needed them to do. im homeless && its my fault. i drove them away; though i don't expect them to reply... i sure hope they will. i do love them && care so much.
i miss the hugs. && love i felt. i miss feeling safe. i miss being stable && haveing support. but the reason i don't have it is my fault. i chose to leave. i know, whats meat to be will be. && everything thats supposed to happen will. i just hope it happens soon. cuz i feel myself slipping.
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